Letters from Paul: Holding Onto ...?

Today's reading is from Paul's letter to the Romans, Chapter 2.

"Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things. But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God? Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who will render to each person according to his deeds..."

This reminds me of the story in the book of John (chatper 8) where Jesus meets the woman who is being chased by a mob of accusers and tells the mob, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

In the Romans 1, Paul talks a lot about how people slipped away from God and began doing things that kept them from the love of God.  He lists a pretty intense set of offenses -- greed, envy, murder, to name just a few.  Then he immediately goes into the quote above.

Keep in mind that when these letters were written, they weren't divided up into chapters with headers.  They were later divided into chapters and verses for easier reading and reference.  But originally, these paragraphs and ideas were written as a single unit.

So were the sins that he was referencing in Chapter 1 just a list of sins for reference?  So that we can judge what is sin and not sin?  Or if we keep the chapters together, is Paul saying hey, people do good and people do bad.  We are in a life of struggle and imperfection.  Even the seemingly most devout do things on occasion by intention and otherwise that distract them from their relationship with God.

The question is, what do we hold onto?  Do we hold onto the judgement of others -- and of self -- above kindness, tolerance and patience?  Paul says above that the kindness of God leads us to repentance.  Not judgement, not coercion, not punishment, but kindness.

I have done things in my life that I am not proud of.  I have done good things, but I have also acted in ways that have hurt myself and others.  During these times, it has been really easy to beat myself up, to listen to the condemnation in my own heart and look for it from others as well.  I have to admit that when I'm in that space, it is difficult for me to open my heart to God because it is so full of doubt and disappointment.

In these spaces, there is nothing someone else could say to me, no judgement more harsh, than what I'd already said to myself.

The times that I was humbled -- not just ashamed but stripped of pride and completely open like an empty cup -- were the moments during these low times where someone showed me kindness and forgiveness.  It didn't feel like a "get out of jail free" card, or even like a reprieve.  It felt like grace -- a gift that is unearned, given from love.  And in this gift was a light that I might follow back to God.

Holding onto judgement, for others or for ourselves, does not always serve ourselves or God.  It keeps us in that place of anger, hurt, defensiveness and those dark places that perpetuate themselves.  But if we do our best to let go of the judgement, to focus on God, on kindness, on love, then we create for ourselves and for each other a path to light and life in Christ.

Letters from Paul: Rejoice Always!

It is an interesting change, going from discussing and reflecting on words from Jesus, versus reading words from Paul.  So much of what Jesus talks about is directed at our hearts.  So much of what Paul says is directed toward our actions.  Today's scripture is from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, and it is simply and beautifully this:

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."

Rejoice always.
Pray continually.
Give thanks in all circumstances.
Because this is God's will for you.

I just did a Google search for "positive thinking".  There were too many returns to count.  Popular returns came from health organizations (Mayo Clinic), counseling centers, spiritual centers and more.  Their approaches are diverse, but they agree on several things:

1.  Thinking positively will improve your health.  It will increase your ability to fight diseases, depression, cardiovascular issues, and generally increase your life span, provided you don't get hit by a bus.
2.  The way you think influences the way you live. If you look for positive things in your life, you will find things to be happy about.  If you expect negative things in your life, you will find things to be sad/angry/upset about.  Like Winston Churchill said, “A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
3.  Your attitude affects those around you.

I firmly believe that through scripture and through our experience of Spirit, God encourages us to live in ways that will make us happy and whole.  Our creator wants us to live abundant lives with the awareness of grace around us.  That's why I think this quote from Paul is so beautiful.

Rejoice always.  Be Happy - intentionally!  Know that you walk with God, that everything around you is a gift, that good things will come to you (as will bad) and that you are loved beyond measure.

Pray continually.  Invite God into every moment.  Experience this life with Christ.  Invite Grace and blessings to your life and to those around you.  Do not be afraid to ask for what you need, but do not be married to the outcome.

Give thanks in all circumstances.  Thank the One for each breath.  Celebrate with God for all the good in your life.  Give thanks even for the bad moments, because times of loss and difficulty often yield unexpected blessing.

Trust that our God wants all good things for you.  Trust that joy and abundance are God's will for you.

Paul's Letters: Freedom

One thing that I have heard from people who are skeptical of Christianity (or organized religion in general) is that you have to rely on someone else to tell you what is right and wrong, and what to do.  Today's excerpt from Paul's 2nd letter to the Corinthians (Chapter 3) talks a little bit about this idea.


He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.


Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, transitory though it was, will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? If the ministry that brought condemnation was glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness!  For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory.  And if what was transitory came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts!
...
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.



Judaism of its time was not a religion.  It was a faith, a tradition, a practice and a people (and still is).  The traditions of its culture were passed from generation to generation from Moses and before.  Part of this culture was the Law -- the instruction from God about how to behave, what to wear, how to prepare food, how to punish crimes, etc.  The Law was what set the Hebrew people apart from the rest of the world.  And it was through the Law that the Hebrew people communicated with God.

Paul is talking about how Moses for a time, when he read from the tablets and when he was in communion with God, was so brilliant that nobody could look directly at him.  This was the most direct contact the Jewish people could have with God.  Now he is saying that Jesus took away the veil that separated God from God's people.  Jesus took away the need for a stone tablet with laws, and instead wrote upon our very hearts.

Our relationship with Christ, should we choose it, is an intimate one.  It is not a set of rules.  It is not a public directive or requirement.  It is a relationship, a complete and intimate understanding that guides us through life out of love.

I don't know about you, but when I was little, telling me not to look somewhere made me want to look there. Like, "don't look in that closet, 'cause that's where we might be keeping the Christmas presents" was, to me, a direct invitation to look in that closet.  Rules and guidelines may be put in place to protect us, but they do not tie directly to our hearts and motivations.  They do not create a connection or allegiance to the one who creates the rules.  In fact, rules can even have the effect of separating us from the ones who make or enforce them.

I think I say this in every one of my posts -- nobody knows us like Christ.  Nobody knows how we are motivated, how we respond as human creatures more than the one who dwells inside every one of us.  Christ knows that nothing motivates us more than love.  Nothing holds onto us and guides us more than a desire to be loved.

If our relationship to our Creator is not founded on rules and tests, but is founded instead on love and acceptance, how do we respond?  We are completely FREE.  There is nothing that is out of our reach or impossible for us.  We are not barred by cages and kept on leashes, but are free to act from a perfect love that is offered to every heart, without restriction and without judgement or requirement.  There is no veil between us and the love of our God and that love is written on our hearts.

Some might argue that there need to be rules in order for us to live appropriately.  And in some ways, that is true.  Civil law certainly has its place.  But as people of faith, out of love of our God and love for every individual whom God has created, our mandate is to live and act from that place of love.

Letters from Paul, Introduction

I have greatly enjoyed reflecting and writing about the words of Jesus from the Bible.  If you don't mind, I'd like to continue with another project, and then perhaps come back to the four Gospels. This time, I would like to reflect on and write about excerpts from the Letters from Paul.  It helps me to better understand what I'm reading in the Bible if I know who wrote it and why they wrote it.  So I'm doing a little preliminary reading about Paul.  This entry might be a little long... If you don't already know, Paul was not one of the 12 apostles. He was in no way a follower of Jesus during the life of Jesus.  Rather, he was a persecutor of the followers of Jesus.  Paul (known then as Saul) was born in Antioch (in modern-day Turkey) but raised in Jerusalem.  He was a Roman citizen, which was fairly unique back then.  He was also part of the ruling class of the Jewish tradition -- a leading authority in the Sanhedrin.

Somewhere between a year and four years after the crucifixion of Jesus, while on the road to Damascus, Paul had a life-changing vision of the Risen Christ.  I will let Acts 9 (Acts tells the story of Paul, but is not told by Paul) explain what happened:

"But Saul, still breathing threats and murder against the disciples of the Lord, went to the high priest and asked him for letters to the synagogues at Damascus, so that if he found any belonging to the Way, men or women, he might bring them bound to Jerusalem. Now as he went on his way, he approached Damascus, and suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. And falling to the ground he heard a voice saying to him, "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting me?" And he said, "Who are you, Lord?" And he said, "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. But rise and enter the city, and you will be told what you are to do." The men who were traveling with him stood speechless, hearing the voice but seeing no one. Saul rose from the ground, and although his eyes were opened, he saw nothing. So they led him by the hand and brought him into Damascus. And for three days he was without sight, and neither ate nor drank.


Now there was a disciple at Damascus named Ananias. The Lord said to him in a vision, "Ananias." And he said, "Here I am, Lord." And the Lord said to him, "Rise and go to the street called Straight, and at the house of Judas look for a man of Tarsus named Saul, for behold, he is praying, and he has seen in a vision a man named Ananias come in and lay his hands on him so that he might regain his sight." But Ananias answered, "Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much evil he has done to your saints at Jerusalem. And here he has authority from the chief priests to bind all who call on your name." But the Lord said to him, "Go, for he is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before the Gentiles and kings and the children of Israel. For I will show him how much he must suffer for the sake of my name." So Ananias departed and entered the house. And laying his hands on him he said, "Brother Saul, the Lord Jesus who appeared to you on the road by which you came has sent me so that you may regain your sight and be filled with the Holy Spirit." And immediately something like scales fell from his eyes, and he regained his sight. Then he rose and was baptized; and taking food, he was strengthened."


So much took place for Paul in this time of his life.  Consider the DRAMATIC changes in his perspective.  He lived about 35 years of his life as a devout follower of Jewish Law, and in vehement opposition to Jesus as the Messiah.  To him, the idea that Jesus was the Messiah was insane, let alone the fact that such a Messiah of the Jewish people would allow himself to be crucified.

I look at the three days mentioned, where he was "without sight, and neither ate nor drank".  Honestly, I don't blame him.  Who could eat or drink?  If your life was just turned completely upside down, if everything you've been living your life for was wrong, wouldn't you be in shock?  Not to mention the fact that the Risen Jesus had appeared to his eyes.  What would that do to you?

After his conversion, Paul began traveling around the Mediterranean, helping to set up the early churches.  That would be a seemingly impossible task.  First of all, Paul did not travel with Jesus or his apostles.  Everything he knew about Jesus and what he means came from his vision and prayers.  However, many stories of Jesus' teachings had traveled via word-of-mouth around the area.  Ever play Telephone?  Notice how stories change with their telling?  The early church had many many stories about Jesus and the Way (name of the early Church), and many conflicted.  Paul had to attempt to unify these people and keep them focused.

So as he traveled, he wrote letters to the churches he established, trying to address their issues, unify their understanding and goals, and keep them motivated.  In these letters, he established what we now know to be more of the structure of the Christian faith.  As you read them you may notice how much he tries to resolve three elements:  his Jewish tradition, his new faith in the Risen Christ, and the need to include the Gentile people.

I am looking forward to this series because I am always interested in reading between the Gospels and Paul.  Paul is cited with being the founder of modern-day Christianity.  That sounds weird, doesn't it?  Although Jesus told us how to live, love, forgive, etc., Paul helped to write and create Christian doctrine, as in "this is what we as Christians believe".  There is a term, "Pauline Christianity", that describes the difference between Paul's version of Christianity and what was originally put forth by the early Jerusalem Church (which was started by the Apostles and led by James for a time).  One example of difference between the two is that the Jerusalem Church believed that Jesus was the Jewish Messiah in fulfillment of the scriptures, and that those who would follow the Way try to live according to Jewish Tradition and Law.  Paul's church asserted that Jesus was a Messiah for all people including Gentiles.  I suppose we can count ourselves particularly fortunate that Paul's ideas took hold in this case.

I certainly am not a biblical scholar so, as I write these, I encourage you to look things up and make decisions for yourself.  I am learning a lot as I go as well.

I think I'll end today's post with a prayer:
Holy One, on this Sunday morning or afternoon, open our hearts and minds to you.  Fill us with a hunger to know you and hear your voice for us.  We don't all have visions like Paul did, but we certainly know you speak to us through those in this world who love us, through those whom we serve, the passions and talents you instill in us, and through the enormous beauty of your creation.  We also know you by the still, clear voice in our selves that is the living Christ within us all.  Thank you for this day, and for every day of this life.  Amen.

Jesus Project, Day 10

We come to the last post in this series and what the hey, let's finish with Matthew 5 again: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."

I'm going to begin my response to this quote by quoting the first book of John:  "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

For some reason when I was growing up, I had the impression that we as human beings came out of the womb with a need to apologize -- that because we can sin, and because we are mere dust, we have no right to so much as ask for God's presence.  Keep in mind that I grew up Catholic, and though a lot of how someone comes out of Catholicism depends greatly on how we're taught and our societal culture, I think that feeling unworthy is part of the package.

But as John said, Christ was with God, part of God, and also the light and life of this world.  It is from Christ that all life is made.  It is with the light of Christ that YOU were made.  How could we ever believe that we are unworthy?  Or that God isn't paying attention to us?  Jesus himself says, "YOU are the light of the world."

I have known people who have a very visible light within them -- a light that you know could be like a nuclear bomb in brightness if they dared to let it blaze.  When they do allow the grace of their talents, work or love to flow into the world, it feels like witnessing miracles.  You know that God is present at that moment.

Christ knows what lives within us. He knows that light of life that he placed within each heart.  I think that in this quote from Matthew, Christ is calling us to live, work, love and play with every bit of ourselves.  Let YOUR light shine before all.  Let that Grace of God flow through everything you do so that you can kindle the hearts of those around you.  Cause when you do, it will feel for all of us like a miracle.

Lord of the Rings Geek

I felt like watchin' me a little Lord of the Rings tonight.  So I went to Fred Meyer and bought the extended version trilogy!  Woot!

LoTR is comforting to me.  I know all of the characters through-and-through.  I went through a LoTR geek-out period several years ago and studied the books.  (I mean actually studied them like I was going to take a test.  And a test there would be because the first movie was going to come out and it would be Geekfest 2001.)  And I'm pretty sure I've seen them on cable about 150 times.

This particular edition is super cool because there's quite a bit in it that I've never seen before.  I just watched Gollum choke on lambas bread and throw a little pity party.  Then I heard Legolas tell of how the Elves woke the trees and set them talking.  Oh and what's this -- did Aragorn just tickle Gandalf??  This is awesome.

A few minutes ago we watched the scene with the Ents.  It reminded me of a costume I made one year out of chicken wire and paper mache.  I wanted so bad to be an Ent.  My intention was to make barrel-like pieces to go around my torso, upper and lower arms, and upper and lower legs, and wear black clothes underneath.  I ended up looking more like a boxer-in-training (like rocky with his grey sweatpants) who just had a garbage can broken over his head.... with little droplets of blood seeping through the places where the chicken wire poked me.

Jesus Project, Day 9

I don't mean to make quite so much of Matthew, but apparently he has all the good stuff.  :)  Today's quote (at least the one we'll start with) is from Matthew 5:3-10 and is also known as The Beatitudes.


“Blessed are the poor in spirit, 
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 
Blessed are those who mourn, 
   for they will be comforted. 
Blessed are the meek, 
   for they will inherit the earth. 
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, 
   for they will be filled. 
Blessed are the merciful, 
   for they will be shown mercy. 
Blessed are the pure in heart, 
   for they will see God. 
Blessed are the peacemakers, 
   for they will be called children of God. 
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, 
   for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

This passage is so hopeful.  Who of us don't hurt?  Who of us don't hunger in some way?  Who of us don't feel loss or injustice?  For all who suffer, for all who hurt and hunger, God is with you.  God will ease your pain.  He doesn't say when.  He doesn't say how or if it is even in this life.  But he speaks such hope in this passage.

I have a lot of wishes.  I speak sometimes in too many wishes rather than things that I will do or things that are  in fact.  But I do wish that Jesus or the author of this book would have added more to the passages...


Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Their emptiness and complete dependence upon God's Grace will reveal to them ALL of God's Grace.  All things from warm sunshine to flowers that look up to it will count to them as immeasurable blessing.  They walk in treasure.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.  They will see love swarm around them to hold them up -- love they didn't see until they had the need.  They will know loss but God will walk them through the valley and show them joy and love in equal measure.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. When their quiet and humble voices rise, the earth will stop and listen.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.  It is by their action that they and others will be set free.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.  It is by the love they show those who need love most that they will be known.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.  Their devotion, their singular focus on God and God's love, will allow them to quiet the noises of the world and open their hearts to the symphony of God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.  They journey in the footsteps of Christ, the greatest Peacemaker.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Their willingness to follow their heart when they know they will be hated has already earned them God's love and Grace.

A little break...

I will go right back to my Jesus Project (which I am really loving, by the way -- it may not end at 10).

The following video was posted by a friend on Facebook.  It struck me because at the moment, I have a hard time looking forward.  Sometimes God gives you a little push, just a little judge, when you need it most.  I still have a hard time looking forward, but maybe some of these words -- the stories told here -- will sink in and give me a little nudge later.

Jesus Project, Day 8

Today's quote is from Matthew 18:21-22

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

If somebody hurts you, how hard is it to forgive them?  I suppose it might depend upon the degree of the offense -- spilled milk, pretty easy.  Something bigger?  Maybe a bit harder.  How hard would it be to forgive seventy-seven times?

I think Jesus is acknowledging that forgiveness is not an easy thing.  It's not always our first instinct.  We are fight-or-flight creatures by nature, with the instinct to protect ourselves.  Forgiveness takes us away from the instinctual and makes us face our danger or our offenders in a very deep way.  It is healing.  Lack of true forgiveness holds onto the hurt and allows it to continue hurting us and our relationships.

There is also another side to this.  How hard is it to ask for forgiveness?

I grew up Catholic and was taught that we had to go to Confession on a very regular basis (I could not receive communion at church if I went to the alter with "stains on my soul").  We had to tell a priest, who we did not know, about offenses that we had committed.  "Father, forgive me for I have sinned..."

When I look back, I see the value in the practice, but it seems just a little bit empty.  I don't know that asking for forgiveness from a stranger (even one who is supposed to represent God on earth) can be about rattling off a list of your offenses.  It may benefit the confessee to the point where they get it off their chest, but it heals nothing.  If it heals nothing, then the hurt stays with the person who committed the offense as well as the person offended.

As a fairly prideful person, it is difficult for me to allow myself to be humbled.  But there are times when my actions or actions around me humble me to a point where I have no other recourse but to open myself up completely to those around me, to fall to my knees and ask for grace and mercy.  It's only from here that I can begin healing from deep within, and hope to begin healing with those around me.

Jesus knows us more than we can ever know ourselves.  He knows the importance of offering forgiveness as a way of healing, rather than holding on to the offense and the hurt.  But he also knows that asking for that forgiveness prompts us to open our hearts to God, as well as to our friends and family even more than before, regardless of the outcome.

Jesus Project, Day 7

Work's kept me busy for the last couple of days, so sorry for my late post.  Today's quote is from Mark 10:

“You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.  For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

I have to ask, what did Jesus mean by "great"?  Whoever wants to be great among you...  If we know anything about Jesus, we know he didn't mean "popular".  I also don't think he meant "saved" because Jesus paid the perfect price and therefore we cannot get into heavy by our works alone.

What makes a person great?  Not popular, not famous, but great?  Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi, Einstein, Nelson Mandela, Mozart, Mother Theresa, Socrates were all great for one reason or another. They took great risks and did great things for other people whether it be freeing them, caring for their bodies, or offering their talents and gifts.

But I know people who are greater than these -- local heroes in my life and community who regularly offer their time and hearts in service of other people. A big hero in my world is a woman named Pat, who feeds the hungry every week, who regularly walks people through death, offering them kindness, comfort, love and strength.  She knows -- and demonstrates -- that we are all connected, and that we are called to care for one another.  And that the more we raise up others in this life, the more we are lifted up in love and spirit.

Knowing the love of my friends and community is a little bit of heaven.  And in order to receive love, we must offer love and service to those around us.

“What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.”
Pericles

Jesus Project, Day 6

I think I'm addicted to Matthew.  I can't get out of Matthew.  Things could be worse!  Today's scripture is from Matthew 18:

"He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I sometimes wish that the Bible would have been written with a little more description.  For some reason "he called a child to him and placed the child among them" seems a little vague.  What I think happened is that Jesus called a little one over to him, sat him on his lap and played with him.  I see Jesus playing with him or asking him questions and listening to the little one talk in the wild imaginative way that children do.

Have you played with or listened to a young child?  They really are so different from adults.  There's no filter.  There's infinite imagination.  Everything they do and consider are based in the present (unless it's Christmas or a birthday).  They don't care about things like money or prestige.  They completely lose themselves in their play. They are endlessly curious and inquisitive.

I have a feeling Jesus wasn't saying that we need to abandon responsibility and pretend to be children.  I think the message here is to recapture those traits that we are born with -- wonder at all of creation; trust and love for people; open ourselves to adventure and imagination; take joy in every possible little thing.

All of life is such a gift!  Unless we shed the pride, worries and walls that we've built up, how are we to see and enjoy what God has given?  Jesus points out that we must take the lowly position of a child in order to receive the greatest blessing in this life and the next.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."
- Angela Schwindt

Jesus Project, Day 6

I think I'm addicted to Matthew.  I can't get out of Matthew.  Things could be worse!  Today's scripture is from Matthew 18: "He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I sometimes wish that the Bible would have been written with a little more description.  For some reason "he called a child to him and placed the child among them" seems a little vague.  What I think happened is that Jesus called a little one over to him, sat him on his lap and played with him.  I see Jesus playing with him or asking him questions and listening to the little one talk in the wild imaginative way that children do.

Have you played with or listened to a young child?  They really are so different from adults.  There's no filter.  There's infinite imagination.  Everything they do and consider are based in the present (unless it's Christmas or a birthday).  They don't care about things like money or prestige.  They completely lose themselves in their play. They are endlessly curious and inquisitive.

I have a feeling Jesus wasn't saying that we need to abandon responsibility and pretend to be children.  I think the message here is to recapture those traits that we are born with -- wonder at all of creation; trust and love for people; open ourselves to adventure and imagination; take joy in every possible little thing.

All of life is such a gift!  Unless we shed the pride, worries and walls that we've built up, how are we to see and enjoy what God has given?  Jesus points out that we must take the lowly position of a child in order to receive the greatest blessing in this life and the next.

"While we try to teach our children all about life, our children teach us what life is all about."
- Angela Schwindt

Jesus Project, Day 5

Today's quote is from the Gospel of Matthew 18:19-20: “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

So short and sweet, and so powerful.  Again, Jesus is talking about how we are all in this together, how important it is to be in community if we are to live in Christ.

I was thinking about this passage a lot over the past few days, especially yesterday at church.  I tend to study and pray on my own for the most part.  I mean, didn't Jesus also say, “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen." (Matthew 6:5-6)

I think Jesus was encouraging two different things with these statements.  I think that with the Chapter 6 verse he was saying that God is in you, and God is listening to you.  You and your Creator have an intimate relationship that is yours to cultivate in private.  No other intermediary is required between you and God.

But with the quote from Chapter 18, I believe he was also reinforcing that God is within us all -- that through God, we are all connected and that this connection is powerful.  It is through a spiritual community that we can make a difference through prayer and action.

When you think about it, what happens when people get together for a common purpose?  They make plans, they create together, they discuss and learn, they grow.  Things happen.  Jesus knew this.

So although I personally do study and pray on my own, I am encouraged by Christ to grow in my spirituality through relationship with others who also seek a spiritual life.  We learn from each other by sharing our experiences and perspectives.  We encourage each other to try new activities or practices that help us to expand our views of God.  We pray together which is not only a force in the world, but soothes the hearts and reinforces the faith of those involved.  We play together and open one another to joy.  And we care for each other through hardships with the grace of God as our support system.

Thank you, Jesus, for yet another reminder of how God's given us each other as one of the greatest blessings of this life.

Jesus Project, Day 4

I give credit to our Pastor Nathan Meckley, as his sermon this morning is the inspiration to today's post.  Here is today's quote from Jesus from John 13:34-35: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

He tells this to his apostles the night he was betrayed.  Earlier in their evening, Jesus had taken off his robe, wrapped a towel around his waist and washed the feet of his friends.  Loving and humble, he showed them how to take care of one another.

Then, he gives them this command:  love one another as I have loved you.  By THIS, they will know you are my followers.  They will know you by your love.

Notice that he doesn't say that they will know you are my disciples by your authority.  They won't know you by how much you know or how well you obey the law.  They won't know you by what specific church you belong to or how many books you've read.  They won't know you because you only associate with "holy" people.

They will know you because you love one another, as I have loved you.

Hours later, Jesus would be betrayed and die.  But before he did, he reiterated this command.  I think it's fair to say that of all Jesus' teachings, loving each other (not only loving God and not only loving him) was incredibly important to him.

I don't know that there's a lot more to say on this wonderful subject.  I imagine that it is something that Paul thought about quite a bit, though, in his letter to the Corinthians (1 Corinthians 13), which is one of my very favorite New Testament passages:


"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
...
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Jesus Project, Day 3

Today's quote is from the Book of Matthew, Chapter 6. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you — you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

For some reason, I hear Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry, Be Happy" song in my head when I read this passage.  

How much energy do we spend on worry?  How much or often do we worry about work, or a blemish, or an upcoming vacation?  Or even about more serious things -- about what's on the news or a family member's illness?

The fact is that the only things we have any control over are our own actions in the immediate future.  We can plan what we intend to do at a later time.  We have no control over what others do or say, or what goes on in the world.  Some things are simply beyond our control.  

With this in mind, how much time do we waste worrying about things we cannot control, when there is so much right in front of us, right in our immediate moment, to appreciate?  God created so many good things in our lives -- beauty in all of creation, love, friendships -- that can be so easily overlooked if we spend our energies worrying about what may or may not happen in the future.

"Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy."  ~Leo Buscaglia

Doesn't God deserve our attention?  And doesn't God deserve, at the very least, our appreciation for the uncountable blessings that we already have right in front of us?  

This quote also points out to me how much Jesus wants us to FEEL happy, here and now.  Not just in the next life, not just some day after we've done a lot of work.  Jesus wants us to be joyful, in each day, with each other and our God.  How beautiful is that?

Jesus Project, Day 2

Today's Jesus quote is from Luke, Chapter 6: “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful."

I've talked to people at times about this particular passage.  Some agree with it whole-heartedly.  Others, who believe that it's okay to have enemies and seek retribution tell me that what Jesus says here is utopic -- that only Jesus who is perfect can actually achieve such a point of view; that we should strive for this but we probably aren't expected to actually achieve it.

I don't blame them much, really.  Look at our culture.  What do we watch on TV?  "Reality" is the latest trend (which doesn't seem like reality to me, but hyped up craziness) where people are intentionally riled up and pitted against each other for entertainment.  As a country we seem determined to search for enemies and destroy them preemptively.  Violence on an individual, group and global level is off the charts.

It is understandable that people would want to protect themselves from harm.  The threat of terrorism (and its random nature) is very scary.  But if I trust Jesus, I trust that the way he's telling us to behave has our best interests at its center.

Would Jesus tell us to love our enemies and to treat them with love and forgiveness (rather than with retribution and violence) if it was not in our best interest?  Here's an analogy:

Say you have a young dog that does something it's not supposed to. In anger, you yell at it, hit it and throw it outside.  It does something else it's not supposed to - but this time it knows you're coming for it so when you try to grab it, it nips at you (out of fear).  You hit it and throw it outside.  The situation escalates until the dog bites a guest at your house.  You figure you need to put it down because you have a mean dog. Is it the fault of the dog, or is it responding out of self preservation and fear?

Use of anger and force against another is almost always met with anger and fear.  As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, "Hate begets hate; violence begets violence".  Use of violence may temporarily subdue an opponent, but it will not change their heart -- rather, it would harden their heart against their attacker.

Jesus did not tell us to turn the other cheek as simply a test of our devotion to God.  As with most of the things he taught, He gave us these directives so that we can live in love and thrive as a people.

How might our world be different now if all followers of Jesus actually followed this directive from Christ in ALL areas of their lives?

As Abraham Lincoln once said, "Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?"

Jesus Project, Day 1

As a liberal Christian, sometimes I lose a little focus when it comes to Jesus.  I love him, I revere him, but I may forget why.  I also tend to get too "heady", meaning dealing with my faith in Jesus with my analytical head more than my heart. So I thought I'd do a note a day, for 10 days, looking at Jesus' quotes from the Gospels.  Here is the first one:

"For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you svisited me, I was in prison and you came to me.


Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?'


And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'"
(Matthew 25.35-40 ESV)


This will probably come up more than once in this little project, but I always LOVE how Jesus emphasises care for each other.

In Jesus' time, in his culture, hospitality was quite important.  They didn't have gas stations or motels for people who traveled.  People relied on each other a lot more than we do.  It was an essential part of their culture to welcome travelers, offer a place to stay, a bite to eat, etc.  Jesus himself openly relied on the kindness of strangers while he did his work.

In our culture, we seem to stress self-reliance over anything else.  "Charity begins at home." (by Charles Dickens, not in the Bible.)  "God helps those who help themselves."  (by English political theorist Algernon Sidney, then by Benjamin Franklin, also not in the Bible.)  These idioms seem wise to a point -- taking care of yourself and family is certainly critical.  But Christ points out that our family is not only those who are connected to us by birth and blood.  Christ -- the Source of Life -- is in us all, and thus makes us ALL family.

Further, he points out that we are not responsible for taking care of those who seem nice, or cute.  As children of God, we are to treat every living person with the love and respect that we hold for Jesus.  This includes people who have not lived perfect lives ("I was in prison and you came to me").  It means that we welcome those who are strange to us (those from other lands, other cultures, other religions).  And for some reason, I think it means taking care of people who have also fallen off their rocker (naked people), though I'm sure he meant those who didn't have adequate clothing.  :)

To everything ... turn, turn, turn...

Hello, Peepsies!  It's been soooooo long and I've missed you.  Which means that I've missed writing to you, which probably means I've missed talking about myself.  Ahh, I kid...

Soooo much has happened since I last wrote here, and things continue to change.  Which of course I HATE.  I would like my little bubble to remain constant and unaltered, thank you very much.  Pity the bubble doesn't listen to a damned thing I say.  Bad bubble!

I suppose not every change is bad.  For starts, I have a house mate now -- first one in YEARS.  It has been a couple of weeks since she moved in and I'm totally not freaking out!  I'm totally not walking around the house looking for the mess that she has of course left because NOBODY is as particular (and blame free) as yours truly. The only problem is that so far, she is AWESOME.  She's super nice, quiet as possible, tidy (at least, if she has a mess she keeps it upstairs), and doesn't seem to mind coming home to my frenzy of weiner dogs every day.  I'm sure the Catholic Church will canonize her any day now.

The hip -- which I wish WOULD change -- isn't.  At least, not as much as I'd like.  I'm still seeing my Physical Torturist (isn't that what P.T. stands for?) twice a week.  I think things are slowly improving, but some muscles that used to protect the previously bad hip have to be re-wired, so to speak.  It's that or get me a Rascal Scooter (yes, with the orange flag).

From there, the changes take a nose dive.  You know how I have this band that I totally love?  Well, one of our band mates -- our piano man -- has decided he needs to step away after five years of playing.  HATES!  After having a near critical panic attack, I tried to absorb the situation and look at it from another perspective -- that the band is more than the sum of its parts, that God will place before us what we need.  I KNOW that's the case but it still throws everything off in the short term -- especially when another band mate is going to prance off to GREECE.  At a time like this!!!

(just kidding, Huff!)

Third major change:  two of my best friends are moving out of the state.  This sucks pickles.  Of course I don't do well with this kind of thing.  So what do I do?  Well, instead of telling them that I'll miss them and make them feel supported and crap like that, I hibernate.  And eat a lot of cheese.  Yes, the cheese is necessary and will continue to be necessary until I can re-inflate my bubble.

You might want to stay clear.

Things I fancy

"Getting to know you .... getting to know all about you..."  That is a line in a song from "The King and I", a musical about the King of Siam and his British governess/school teacher in which Yul Brenner plays the part of the King.  Yul was always so exotic sounding back then.  (I always got Yul Brenner and the Mr. Clean character mixed up for some reason.)

Anyway, for the sake of getting to know you, or rather, you getting to know me ... or both with this just being me starting the conversation ... the following is a list of things that I fancy.  That's how they say "like" in British.  Also, my birthday is coming up soon and you may need gift ideas.

1.  Might as well start with musicals!  When I was in high school, while everybody else was listening to Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, Duran Duran, etc., I was listening to a tape I made that was chuck full of Julie Andrews -- Mary Poppins on one side, and The Sound of Music on the other. One of my favorite movies from a very young age was Sweet Charity ("If they could see me now, that little gang of mine...").  Either that was my favorite, or Disney's The Aristocats ("When you sing your scales and your arpeggios...").  In contrast to those cats, I did not in fact like CATS, the Broadway hit.  (What in the heck is a jellicle cat???)

2.  Giraffes.  I've always wanted to have a favorite animal.  When I was little, I LOVED horses.  I collected horse statues, had an elaborate stable set for them including tackle and fencing.  But that is the hobby of little girls.  I finally came up with a short list of favorite, more sophisticated animals which included sloths and hedgehogs.  (Please note that it can't be weenie dogs because I already have that collection.)  But I had to go with Giraffes.  They are such incredible animals.  They're so prehistoric looking.  They're gentle, and graceful.  They have eyelashes for days.  And they fight by whipping each other with their own heads.  That's pretty bad-ass.

3.  Star Wars.  When the first three Star Wars movies came out beginning in 1977, I thought they were super cool.  I loved the movies but no more than anybody else.  I played with my stepbrothers' and cousin's Star Wars Action Figures (they had the Millennium Falcon) but had none of my own.  When the next three movies came out beginning in 1999, I was excited but -- since they were so different from the first three -- I didn't get into them as much.  However, I've always liked the Star Wars stories -- the coolness of lightsabres alone scores major points.  For some reason, a little over a year ago, I started listening to the Star Wars books on my iPod in my car.  Yes, there are Star Wars books.  the series begins over 5000 years before Luke Skywalker and lasts for 45 years after.  There are hundreds of Star Wars books -- Young Adult novels, graphic novels, and regular novels.  They encompass hundreds of galaxies, thousands of worlds.  The scope of this imagined universe is almost inconceivable.  In the last year, I've listened to 47 books, read one paperback and bought three graphic novels.  I have officially geeked out.

4.  Epic movies.  In addition to Star Wars, I also love other epic movies including but not limited to The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Matrix trilogy, Harry Potter.  I am pretty sure I've seen Fellowship of the Ring at least 100 times.  While I was down with my hip surgery, I think I watched it an average of 3x per week.  I don't know why I don't watch something else -- it's sort of comforting to me, sort of like a teddy bear.

5.  Italy.  I'm not what I'd call a world traveler.  That is, I haven't been all over the world; but I've done my share of traveling.  I've traveled over a good deal of the U.S. both as a teenager and at my last job -- everywhere from Alaska to Florida.  I've been to Australia twice, to Mexico twice and to Germany twice, and to the U.K., France and Belgium once each.  All of these places were a wonderful pleasure to visit and I hope to have the chance to see them again.  But I've traveled to Italy three times now and I cannot get enough.  Italy has its problems like every country (especially our own) does -- issues with an untrustworthy government, unemployment, etc.  But every time I return there, it feels like coming home.  I barely speak the (beautiful) language and I'm sure I stick out like a sore thumb; but it feels like I belong when I'm there.  The people are passionate, confident, brilliant.  The country spans everything from beaches and high coastal cliffs to the Alps to some of the most ancient cities on Earth.  Human history in Italy goes back to the stone ages, and you can almost feel the weight of human experience there.  Oh, and they have really good food and wine!

6.  Old friends.  So, the definition of "old" is fairly flexible here.  I'm a Taurus, which means that I am happiest when I'm on familiar ground, where things are solid and established -- deeply rooted.  I'm a bit of an introvert so I unfortunately don't get out to meet new people very often; and it takes me a while to warm up to people. But I have a handful of friends who I've known long enough to find this comfortable place.  Even when I am by myself, I know that these connections surround me.  I only need to think of them to smile.  Sometimes we may not see each other for a while but when we meet up after one of these sebaticals, nothing seems to have changed and we pick right up where we left off.

Brown paper packages tied up with strings ... these are a few of my favorite things.  Though maybe not in that order.  :)

Tease

Ya know what really torques my chain?

Ya know how when you watch a movie, sometimes there are little outtakes or surprises during or after the credits?  It used to be that when the credits started to roll, you knew the movie was over.  You could choose to wait around and see who the Ms. Jolie's hairstylist was, or you could make for the door because lord knows you've had to pee for the last 20 minutes.

Now all the Trickypants directors add little filming bloopers (and beat Bob Saget to the punch) or ironic footnotes after the credits start to scroll.  Why do they have to do that??

I understand that workers on films want to be acknowledged for their work.  To be honest, I thought that was what the Academy Awards for Technical Achievement was for; but okay, I do get it.  But why do they have to trick us?  Some people LIKE to wait for the credits and actually pay attention.  Some people don't.  I don't think I ever really paid attention to them until after I was 30.  If I watched them, I was probably making fun of peoples' names.

The least they could do is let you know if there's going to be something interesting with/after the credits, so you didn't waste your time if you didn't want to.  Some movies have these little "prizes" and some movies don't. But the way it is now, you either have to stay or take your chances.

What REALLY fries my Twinkie is after I've seen a movie recently and chose to not stay for the credits; THEN I talk to someone about the movie and they say, "Hey, did you see that really weird spot after the credits??"  What am I going to do now, rent a movie just to watch the last 5 seconds?

 Look -- I think they can actually be entertaining.  But why can't they at least let you know that there's something in it for you if you wait around for five more minutes?  That's all I'm sayin'...

Uneven

Oh. My. God.

I just got done with a workout on my elliptical and I'm huffing and puffing like an asthmatic in the Himalayas.  Before my surgery, I was doing these workouts about five times a week to prepare, and I could blast out an hour on the same machine pretty easily.  Now 20 minutes KICKS MY ASS.  I'm actually shaking!

My physical therapy assignments now require that I get back on the elliptical 4-5 times a week, which I'm actually pretty excited about.  The reason I'm so excited that I can work out again is because I'm getting to be a little ... uneven.

Yesterday during my physical therapy session, my P.T. strapped a weight around the ankle of my new hip leg and had me walk back and forth down a hallway with a mirror at the end.  In shorts.  In the winter when I'm white as a sheet.  During a time in which I can't shave my legs.  Are you getting the picture?

Anyway, as I was walking toward my reflection in the mirror, I noticed that my new side is a bit ... well, let's say that my old side looks like it's been doing the P90X workout and the other side has been watching the other work out while it eats a pizza.  My knee is so pudgy it looks like it has a face with little cheeks and a chin.

So yeah, I'm gonna work out now.   Heh.

My healing is going well.  Monday will mark my sixth week -- YAY!!!  Within two weeks I should be done with my precautions (no bending beyond 90 degrees at the hip, no crossing legs, no twisting) which would make me one HAPPY camper.  I still feel a little stiff and walk with a little bit of a limp, but that's what physical therapy is for.

My incision looks really good.  Honestly, I couldn't be more impressed with my doc's skillz.  They used glue rather than staples or suitures, so there's almost no puckering or weirdness.  Right now it's just a pink line.

Well, time to start a busy day.  My nephew, Wyatt, is coming to visit so Auntie needs to clean up and not look like a boozer with the shakes.  :)

Conspiracy Theory

I think my pets are planning to take me down.  The four of them are home all day with plenty of time to think things out.

I'm not entirely sure why they might do this -- there are probably a few reasons.  For example, Cielo may be mad that I had her bark removed (and I don't blame her).  Daisy may be mad that she doesn't get enough lap time.  Emmy the cat may still hold a grudge against me because I have introduced three dogs into the house.  Adylson may not have a problem but I doubt she'd stand up to the others.  She's just that way.

I'm pretty sure they're like the A-Team of household pets.  They each have special forces type talents and training that the could use to off me given the appropriate circumstances.  Here's how they could do it (and may have already tried):

Emmy the Cat:  Emmy might as well be a monkey.  Her breaking and entering skills provide proof that you don't need thumbs to open any door.  One of her schemes is to open all of the armoir doors in my bedroom so that when I get up in the middle of the night to "do my business", I'll run into them.  To make it even better, she hides in the shelves so that she can pounce on me when I'm down.

Emmy is also a natural weaver (like this).  But she doesn't do it like she's doing it on purpose, and she doesn't do it after you've put your front foot down.  She places herself directly in the place you want to put your foot and then slows down like "oh, you wanted to walk here?" and then moves into position to the next step and repeats.  I end up staggering around the house like Frankenstein.

Daisy, the Geriatric One:  Daisy's talent lies in her obsessive compulsive disorder.  She licks the kitchen floor for hours until there's a giant spit slick.  This invisible slime is slipperier than Vaseline and twice as difficult to clean.  I've nearly landed on my @ss several times as a result of her efforts.

Cielo the Odd:  The puppy is a little more obvious.  She simply takes a running start across the bed and jumps with all fours onto my stomach.  I'm pretty sure my liver has ruptured.  The best part is that, while I'm laying there in pain, she stands on my chest and looks at me cross-eyed from about 3 inches away.  She could be trying to hypnotize me, too.

Adylson the Piddler:  The worst Adylson could do is a variation of Daisy's scheme and that is to wee a random stream of urine across my path to make me slip.  Again, it's happened more than once, but mostly it happens when we have visitors.

If I end up with a dislocated hip in the next month or so, I'm blaming it on the Pet-Team.

Support Hose

Nothing makes a girl feel sexy like support hose.

I started working at the office again this week!  Yep, trying to get back into the regular flow of my life.  My first step was to get wheels so that I could be a little bit mobile.

Plan A was for me to swap cars with my friends.  They have a BMW SUV that is not too low (so I don't have to roll in and out of the car) and not too high (so I don't need a ladder) and has an automatic transmission.  My FJ Cruiser is a stick and my clutch leg is on the fritz.

Sunday morning I went out to the car to collect the garbage and make it relatively presentable.  I pressed the unlock button on the remote and ... nothing.  I unlocked the door with the key and no interior light came on.  I put the key in the ignition and turned the key ... silence.  CRAP.  So I called for roadside assistance and Speedy Towing sent a fella with very bad teeth (that looked like flax seeds in yogurt) and jumper cables.  He tried to start the car and still nothing, so I had to have it towed to the service station.

So I had to turn to Plan B, which was to rent a car for the week.  I am now the relatively proud driver of a RAV4.  I feel like I'm 37 again!

Work has not been terribly bad.  It's not as easy as I thought it would be.  I greatly underestimated the value of my recliner, for example.  My leg didn't much care for sitting in a chair all day.  It starts to feel like a stuffed sausage after a while.  I even went back to wearing those compression socks I got at the hospital so my calves wouldn't get so inflated.

I also get really tired so that when I get home I can barely keep my eyes open.  Finally, I seem to get more sore as each day goes -- today (Wednesday) I finally took the afternoon to go home, elevate the unhappy leg and get some rest.

Happily, I'm on very few pain meds anymore.  Well, I have to be off in order to drive.  I only take two when I get home now and that seems to be enough.  Look for my Craigslist ad for a sale on pain meds!

Handy Capable

How do you pick something up off the floor if you can't bend over?  How does one put one's socks on with the same limitation?  How do you stand from a seated position if you can't shift your center of balance over your feet first?  How do you get groceries if you can't drive and have exhausted all of your friends?

Thank GOD someone answered all of these questions before I needed to.  The following is an homage to all of the little tools and technology that have helped me deal.

1.  The Straight Reacher.  This little dude is seriously my best friend.  Whether I need to put on my pants or if I dropped the soap in the shower (oops!), this trigger-action reacher is priceless.  It works so well I was even able to pick up my iTouch off a hardwood floor.  And it's great for rounding up the wiener dogs when they're out of hand.
2.  The Sock Aid. This is another miracle worker.  Although it doesn't really help me to put on long socks very well, I am able to easily put socks on the foot of the leg I'm not supposed to bend very far, so my little piggies stay warm.  I tried to get the dogs to sleep on my feet but they don't take direction very well.
3.  The Toilet Riser.   Right. So, this one is a little embarrassing.  My grandma used to have one in her bathroom and I would either go in her other bathroom or hold it.  It looks weird and makes loud, hollow noises, if you get my drift.  However, there's no way I would have gotten off the pooper without it!  In order to stand up from a sitting position without leaning forward (a no-no), you HAVE to push off with your arms until your center of balance makes it over your feet.  The handles (though cold in the morning) make standing up a piece of cake.
4.  Online Grocery Shopping.  I actually just used this for the first time ever this week.  To be honest, I've been well fed since my surgery, as I think I've mentioned.  And E did a grocery run for me (among other things) before her term of service was up.  But what's a girl to do if she gets a hankerin' for a ding dong? Or wants to make a certain meal but is one ingredient shy?  I went online yesterday and picked out about 15 items that I wanted from the store.  They were delivered today during the block of time promised.  Not only that, but the drivers are not allowed to accept tips.  Yay!

A big stadium wave sized shout-out to the people who invented all of these.  Thank you!

Today's been a snow day for the rest of the area -- it's been truly beautiful from where I sit.  The people across the street took their little one (I think he's about 4) outside and made a 2-foot tall snowman.  They topped it off with the little boy's stocking hat.  Since then, the snow melted and now there's just a saggy hat in the middle of their yard.  Now that's just depressing.

Working from home has been great.  As long as I can put off the pain meds which make me sleepy (I can hold off until about 3 or 4 then I start to get stiff and achy), I get a lot done.  It's pretty cool.  I wouldn't have been able to do this as easily 10 years ago or more.  First, long distance calls were expensive back then, so calling clients would not have been as fun.  I certainly would not have had high speed cable internet, or access to my company's database and servers.  Plus, how awesome is it that I can go to work without having to get out of my PJs all day?

Lastly, I would like to recommend a movie that I watched (again) last night -- Due Date.  Zack Galafanaikis (or whatever) is too frickin' funny and Robert Downy Jr ain't half bad either.  It has as many quotables as Anchorman.  Rent it!

Loves to ya'll...

Flying Solo

The morning after my surgery, I was afraid to sit up.
That afternoon, I was afraid to stand up.
The next day, I was afraid to go home.
Once home, I was afraid to do things like get out of bed on my own, stand up, and walk around the house.
Last Friday, I was nervous about getting back into a car for my post-op appointment.
Today, I was afraid to be by myself.

Why was I afraid?  Probably because sometimes things hurt.  And there's the possibility that something can go wrong.  But facing these little pains and fears along the way have helped me to heal and get stronger.  It's crazy that this is sort of the rule of human nature, don't you think?  In order to grow as a person, you have to push yourself beyond your comfort zone and do things that are difficult and sometimes painful.

Today I ... kind of ... went back to work!  That is, I worked remotely from home, which I've never officially done before.  I was surprised about how much work I was able to do!  There were almost no interruptions (except for the occasional cat walking over my keyboard) and it was nice and quiet so I could concentrate.  I pooped out earlier than I hoped but that is the nature of pain meds.

E finished serving her time in cellblock Heehoos today.  She gave the house a final cleaning (I've had more laundry done in these two weeks than I do in six months.  I've rotated about two favorite t-shirts cause they were always clean every other day, lol), did a grocery run and headed out into the wide world to join the human race again.  Tonight will be my first night without someone watching over me since coming home.  It feels so weird!

I suppose I'm not completely without supervision.  Whenever I have food within 3 feet of me, I am under intense supervision of three weiner dogs and a cat.

Strange Brew

It's been a long time since I've eaten THIS well, consistently.  I did a bunch of shopping before my surgery, but I'm also constantly being fed.  Friends and family have made pork chops, pot roast, meatloaf, spaghetti with meatballs, and more.  I have tons of fruit, spinach (for important iron), and snacks, my favorite of which are the various Kozy Shak tapioca, rice pudding and chocolate pudding.  Me happy!

E also has a new toy that she is very excited with -- a VitaMix.  It's what she uses to make her magic potions.  I am regularly being presented with odd green brews that include but are not limited to pistachios, collard greens, coconut, carrots, and who knows what else.  I know her intention is awesome -- to make sure I get all my healing nutrients.  But there is something very exorcist-like about these shakes, heh.

I REALLY overdid it the past two days.  So I talked about what I did on Friday.  Yesterday was my brother's birthday, and we went to my mom's house to celebrate it.  I got ready -- showered, did my hair, and then had to clean my own personal throne for the time at another house (my toilet riser 'cause I can't get up from a regular toilet).  I think I pulled a muscle in my butt, or at least really stressed it out.  I can barely walk now without pain.  So that's a big bummer.

It also tells me that I'm not quite ready to integrate back into my regular life yet, which is very frustrating.  I'm reminded that I can't walk far at all, that I can't sit in a regular chair for very long at all yet, and that I get tired pretty quickly.  I most certainly am getting better every day.  When you feel better, you want to do more.  But it's very important to not do TOO MUCH when you feel better because it can give you quite a set-back.

Today I am not doing anything stressful at all.  It's another day of sedentary recooperation.  Tomorrow I'll try my first day of work from home, which I'm rather looking forward to.

Okay, back to another episode of Survivorman on the Science Channel!  :)

Out and About

Wooot!  I got out of the house today!!!  You have no idea how exciting this is after spending the last ten days in the same three or four rooms.  I felt like dancin'!  Well, almost.  :)

The reason for my excursion beyond the front door was my post-op follow-up appointment.  It's been 12 days since my surgery and they wanted to make sure everything was going well.  OR, they may know how weirded out people can get two weeks after surgery and schedule the appointment strictly to make the patient feel better.  Either way, it worked for me.

I got to see an xray of my new hip!  It was pretty cool.  Apparently I have odd bones.  Typically, bones have a thin-ish, hard white layer on the outside, and a very porous center that makes marrow.  Mine of course have these components; but the hard white layer of my bones is really thick, and the marrow part a little more narrow.  This meant that I had to get a rather newish prosthesis for my femur.  In comparisons to typical prosthesis which have a long narrow part that goes down the middle of your thigh bone, my prosthesis is shorter and wider.  As my doc said, it's a part "made especially for me."  :)

I always knew I was special.

Shut up.

I also got a prescription for new meds so I can STOP ITCHING.  Halle-friggin-lujah!

Another thing we discussed was the lop-sided feeling, like my new hip added an inch or so onto my leg.  She said that this is pretty normal but we looked at the xray anyway.  It is possible that it added 5mm or so.  This is usually a welcome thing in people who have bad arthritis because it usually means that part of the bone and definitely most of the cartilage has worn away and made the leg shorter.  I never had this feeling.  But with time and physical therapy, it should feel completely normal within about three months.

I will not be starting physical therapy right away.  This surgeon feels that for hip replacements, P.T. is not necessary right away.  Though other joint work -- like knee, elbow and shoulder -- should have physical therapy immediately so as to make sure recovery happens in the right way, the hip is different. They also feel that P.T. right away would end up stressing the recovering muscles.  Their preference would be for me to wait for 4-6 weeks before I start.  But I asked for my prescription anyway so that I could definitely start at around four weeks.

Lastly, she thinks I should take it easy for at least one more week.  They would prefer four weeks before work, but I think I can do some work at least from home.  I should at least hold off trying to drive for another week.  So I'm getting set up to do some sales and marketing work from home next week.  It would be good to feel useful and involved again!

After my appointment, we went to Fred Meyer to get my prescription filled and grab a few groceries.  You know, nothing says "vibrant and attractive" like a walker.  At least the Gateway Fred Meyer had their floors done recently, so I was able to "glide" around the place really well.  I think I walked more today than I have for the last two weeks!  Quite sure I'll be paying for this later, heh.  But still, it was good to move around and be among the living ... or at least mostly living (considering some of the people at the Gatway Fred Meyer).

Thanks again for the lovely people who take care of me -- E, John H, Sharon, Cathy N, Deanna, and anybody else I may have missed.  I love you!

Uneven

I think my hip is too big.

I've taken a couple of steps today without my walker!  Yay!  I can walk to the kitchen and back.  I don't always lean on my walker too much -- mostly I use it for balance and to make sure I can move around without getting tooo tired.

But as I was saying, when I do walk, it feels like my left leg is about an inch or two too long now.  I know it's the swelling and muscles healing but it's a very weird feeling.  If I just stand straight, I stand at an angle.  I suppose if I travel to Pisa, the tower there will have a friend.

It seems that I'm reacting a little negatively to the Oxycodone that I'm taking.  I keep my doses low, but they're making my skin itch.  If I sweat a lot I get low-grade hives.  It's just the medicine coming out in my pores but oooohh it is not comfortable at all.  The fact that I can't scratch below the knee just makes it all the more fun.  My very favorite thing right now is a good scratch...

The medicine is a tricky business.  I want enough to keep things from hurting too much (hurting too much = not enough movement to rehabilitate) but low enough so that I don't feel woozy and lazy (which would also lead to not enough movement to rehabilitate).  Right now, if I don't at least take Tylenol every 4 hours, I get an ache deep in my butt cheek that makes sitting or walking a displeasure.

Sorry, was that TMI?  I'm stuck in my living room and talk with my caretakers about my next B.M., so I'm pretty clueless these days as to social propriety.  Not that I'm known for my delicacy.

Another hurdle at this point in the game is emotion.  Not only is my body taxed, but my mind and heart get taxed after a while, too.  My heart really goes out to people who are bed-ridden or dependent for long stretches of time (or permanently).  It is not easy depending on others for basic things.

I understand from my mom that people who have major surgeries very commonly experience a post-op depression about a week or so after, and I'm sure I'm experiencing the lighter end of this.  Tears appear out of the blue and are gone just as fast.  This morning, I missed my mom and I also had a little emotional spot after I took a shower (there is nothing more exhausting to me right now than showering).

Still I'm trying to keep spirits up.  Tonight I'm watching "Bizarre Foods by Andrew Zimmern" on the Travel Channel.  Nothing cheers me up like watching a chubby bald man eat bugs and innards.  :)

New batteries

First of all, Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!  So far I've gotten v-day socks, a cookie and a bouquet of balloons.  But best of all, I've had wonderful people around me.  I wish I could reciprocate more -- hopefully I will do over the coming year and then some.  I'd like to give a big hug to my girl, my family, my band, and all my friends.  

I sure could use a fresh set of batteries, hehe.  My hip feels a little bit better everyday; but my energy is still in the pooper.  Taking a shower is enough to wear me out for a while.  I get shakey and clammy.  It could be the meds, though I'm trying to keep those as low as possible.  It could also simply be the recovery of tissues and bone (marrow is responsible for making blood, and some of mine was compromised in this procedure).  

My mom has finished her tour of duty in the casa de replacemente.  I'll definitely miss having her around -- her presence has been very comforting and helpful to me.  There's nothing like having your mommy take care of you when you're feeling icky.  :)

This evening, E will take over my second week of recoop, and lots of people have offered to bring dinners.  I can't wait to sample all the goodies!

By the way, I forgot in my post later last week to mention one other person who came by to cheer me up -- Donna, who also cleans my house every other week, brought us some rockin' breakfast!!  

Once again, I apologize for the lack of more entertaining fodder, but things are pretty quiet around here.  I mostly check facebook, watch TV, do my exercises, figure out my next med dose and try to stay as comfortable as possible.

Until next 

Ups and Downs

I had a very good experience this morning!  Since my surgery, I haven't really been able to move my leg sideways on my own -- for example, laying on my back with my legs straight, I would not have been able to move my left leg out away from my body or back.  If things did not improve, my future snow angels would look very lop-sided.

This morning, all of a sudden, I could EASILY move my leg back and forth that way.  That means that some of my nerves and muscles are waking up!

Unfortunately, I was so giddy and thankful that I could do this again, that I did it about 23 times which was probably too many.  Heh.  So tonight I'm really sore.  Eventually I will learn to do an appropriate amount of exercise so that I can do 3-4 sessions per day and not feel like I've been hit by a truck by 5:00.

Soreness aside, it is proof that things are improving very well.  It feels AWESOME to have these little victories.  It pulls me away from the discouragement of the discomfort and focuses me on the good that I will feel in the future.

It's interesting to experience something completely new.  Not saying something new and FUN, but just something for which you have no basis of experience.  When you have no basis of experience, you don't know if what you are experiencing is positive or if something is wrong.  That's where my anxiety lies these days.  I know things are supposed to hurt -- that goes without saying.  But what pain is healing pain and what is pain that indicates something is going wrong?  If I have any anxiety, this is where it's coming from.  I just have to keep in mind that I am young, I am strong, and I am doing very well so far.

I've been graced with good company these days.  As I've mentioned, my mom is here to take care of me.  Poor thing has to get up with me in the middle of the night as I take my meds and inevitably use the restroom.  Maybe she's making up for tripping over my catheter tube in the hospital.  (There's a unique sensation.)

My dad has also been by several times, which I love.  He has to drive almost an hour each way so I'm touched by his efforts.

E has been making daily visits (she'll be taking over for my mother starting Monday night).  My friend, Pam, made dinner for us this evening (pork chops, potatoes, corn) and our friend, Dorothy, stopped by yesterday for a visit.

Honestly, I feel so loved and cared for.  :)

Baby's First Steps

This surgery has sent me back about 39 years.  Although I wouldn't mind taking a few years off -- you know, some minor wrinkles or sagging bits -- I'm not sure I wanted to go back this far.  My mom even will only bring me a half of a glass of juice at a time so I won't spill.  And for some reason she also sings a little song when she puts on my "sockies".

This replacement has meant that I need to relearn very basic things -- like walking, getting out of bed, etc.  And a lot of the very basics are probably the most difficult -- going to the "potty" and all things associated with that, taking a shower and even sleeping.  I'm not sure that I've ever slept through an entire night sleeping on my back, and that's all I can do now.

However, going back that far also means that every time something gets better, my sense of accomplishment makes me feel that much better.  For example, I took a shower today!  This had many perks, not the least of which is that people (dogs, the cat) may want to get a little closer to me than they did yesterday.  But this shower had complications:  I can't get my incision wet, so that needs to be protected.  I can't stand up, so I need to use a shower bench.  And even while I sit, I can't do the following:

1. bend at the waist beyond 90 degrees (beyond a right angle)
2. let my left leg cross the center line of my body (can't cross my legs in any way)
3. let my left toe turn in toward my other foot

Due to the muscles that were cut around my hip joint, it is difficult to stop my toe from turning in, so it's a precaution I have to pay a lot of attention to.  

I have been working out a LOT lately.  I am going to be sooo buff.  Well...  My hip flexor maybe, and the front of my shins.  I have P.T. exercises that I have to do three times a day.  The more I do, the better I will continue to feel; so as much as it hurts to do them, I'm all over 'em.  I do all exercises lying on my back and they include things like raising my knee up, flexing my butt, flexing my quadriceps, and -- my nemesis -- swinging my leg out to the side and back, as if I was trying to make a snow angel.

I'm very much looking forward to how I'm going to feel in the coming week.  Today is officially day four.  I feel like I've made a lot of progress but I also feel sooooo limited in what I can do on my own.  But if I think about it, three days ago I freaked out at the idea of standing up.  If I continue to progress like this, I should be running the Portland Marathon later this year. :)

Ouch

Ouuuuuuch.  Where is E.T. when you need him?

This is my first entry since my surgery, which I had on Monday afternoon, February 7th.  I checked in to OHSU at 11:30 and had a pack of family members in tow -- my mom, Dad, Nina and E.  Pastor Nathan also came to pray with me and send me into surgery with as much peace as possible.  (Hahahahaha)

I was pretty calm when I went to the hospital.  Calmer than I expected.  Then when I went downstairs to get my IV and meet the anesthesia team, that's when I started getting panicky.  They presented me with a bunch of anesthesia options (I thought the choices had already been made) and was unprepared for all the info, so I got a little emotional.  I went with the general anesthesia and a side of epidural.  Other options included a nerve block and lower body local anesthesia but I REALLY did not want to be awake while they sawed on me.  No thank you...

They wheeled me into the O.R. and the next thing I knew, I was waking up in recovery.  The thing that woke me up was my hip/leg pain at first because they don't turn on the epidural (which runs on a constant drip) until after surgery.  Apparently another patient, who had received a similar surgery, had chosen to not get a nerve block or epidural and was yelling for quite some time.  *shudder*

After a while in recovery, they wheeled me into my room (private room!  woohoo!) where I was greeted by an even larger group of family (same as above and also my brother, sister-in-law and WYATT!).

During those first days while I had the epidural, I did not have any other narcotics.  This is good because you're not nearly as loopy or nauseous right out of surgery, but the pain is very much blocked.  I mostly just concentrated on resting.  Note that in the hospital, you rest more than you sleep because the staff comes in to check your pain and vitals every hour or so.  "How are you?  Are you able to sleep?"  Uh...

The next morning at about 10:00, the Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy people came in to get me on my feet.  At least, that was their intention.  I was supposed to pivot in bed until I could get my feet to the floor and then push myself up and onto my walker.  There are three things I am not supposed to do -- bend at the waist past 90 degrees, let my legs cross or point my toes in (pigeon-toe).  I'm afraid I disappointed them because I almost fainted trying to pivot.  They figured I probably had too much anesthesia left in my system and that I should drink water.  So I did.  A lot.

Immediately after, I was visited by someone from the pain control group who wanted to check my epidural port (in my back).  I started getting a bit pale and she asked if I was getting nauseated, like it was an appropriate question to ask but hoped that I'd say no.  I said yes, actually, I was getting extremely nauseous.  I fanned my face and covered my mouth (the international sign for impending barf) but she still didn't seem like she understood until the very last second and got me this little tiny plastic curved tray that I was supposed to "let loose" in.  They can't possibly expect that one could let loose in those miniature swimming pools.  Honestly.  I filled mine up twice as well as the top of my gown (and maybe a little bit on my visitor).

That's really as bad as it's gotten.  I only had that problem because I chugged so much water.  Lesson learned!

I had more success later in the day.  The next Physical Therapist did get me up on my feet with a walker and then into a chair for a half hour.  I had no idea sitting in a chair could be that freakin' uncomfortable.

Yesterday morning, the crew had it in their minds that I was doing "extremely well" and needed to walk down the hall, up three stairs and back so that I could prove I could go home.  They soon learned that I am not a morning person.  I made it just outside my room door before I needed to sit down. It was a nice visit to the hallway and that was it. After lunch and a visit by family members and my boss (which was very sweet), I did manage to do the steps and walk back down the hall.  After that, they saw no other reason to keep me and discharged me!

It was scary at first.  Not just getting home, but being home without all that medical assistance.  But my mom is staying with me and we're doing pretty okay.  I am able to get out of bed and to the bathroom, which I have not had difficulty doing since I was about two, and I'm able to manage the pain pretty well.

I must say that I had no idea it could hurt this bad!  I'm looking forward to some healin', that's for sure.

This morning, my friend Donna brought us a yummy breakfast and my mom washed my hair.  I'm feeling almost human again.

Until my next moment of clarity...  Peace out!